I have desired change. I have busied myself seeking and striving for self improvement, believing that through my effort I could somehow become the woman that I want to be.
When I failed I became weary. When I was successful, I was merely successful in fulfilling my own vision. In either case, I was consumed with myself.
I wanted change. I still do. I want to have it all together. And when it comes to my faith, Jesus has really been checking my heart on this.
I know that He sees my desire to change. But truly, my desire to change is not what draws Him closer to me. He does not draw near to those who seek change or even those who attain change. He draws near to those who seek Him.
And so I find that the changing of my ways is not what is to be desired. I should not come to Jesus because I desire to change my ways, to “find me” or to “improve me” or to “know me.” I must come to Him simply because I desire to know Him.
As I desire Him and draws closer to Him, change is inevitable. The impossible becomes possible and there is sweet rest from the exhausting pursuit of myself.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.