By: Charity Gutierrez
Originally Written: Aug 8, 2009
I was led this evening to reflect on a situation that occurred a few weeks ago while my husband was on one of his trips.
It was a Friday night and since daddy was gone again I wanted to treat my three boys to something special. So I offered to take them and the baby to Walmart to buy a new movie that we all could stay up and watch instead of sticking to their usual bedtime routine. This was not at all a usual thing for us to do. They were so excited and all was well until we reached the checkout when I made “the mistake”. I told them they could pick out a candy to watch with the movie- but they could only pick one that they would share. They all agreed on M&M’s and so my three year old handed my two year old the bag to hold.
I stood at the checkout trying to keep my two month old daughter who was in a carrier on my chest from starting to cry- and that’s when my three boys started. My two year old in the shopping cart let out a deafening scream over the bag being taken from his hands by his three year old brother. My three year old screams when I say he can’t hold it and that it needs to go in the bag. He then proceeds to have a total meltdown over my threat to put the candy back. My five year old meanwhile is trying to negotiate with me about how late he can stay up and is not distracted in his pleading amidst the chaos. I could feel everyone around us starting to stare.
I wondered what they were thinking. I thought, “They probably think that I have spoiled my kids rotten. It’s almost 8:00 pm and most young children are in bed by now. Yet here I am buying movies for my kids as they scream about their candy. All I wanted to do was spend some quality time with them. I must look like the worst parent ever.”
That’s when I did something I had never really done when in similar situations. I took a deep breath and looked right at the people staring at us and smiled. Not a fake smile but a genuine smile. Sure I was not pleased with their behavior. I could have gotten mad, threatened louder and punished on the spot- put on a grand show for all to see- but no. I just smiled at my onlookers. They seemed to look puzzled at my reaction.
Something beautiful had occurred to me- “Whatever their thoughts, it does not matter.” I wanted to tell them, “These are my kids. Sure they are having a bad moment- and perhaps this is the only moment that you will ever see them. But unlike you- I have seen them at their best moments. I have seen what you have not. You only see them in this moment and in this small fragment of time you have passed your judgments on them and on me. You see them as rotten and stand waiting to see their reproof. You question my parenting and think you could do a better job. Truth be told, you would not be willing in this moment to adopt them if someone offered you a million dollars, but I on the other hand, am honored that they are my kids. I would pay a million dollars a million times because I love them. I know their heart and who they truly are. That is how I can stand here smiling when they appear their worst, because I know before the day is done I will see them at their best.”
I paid and put all my stuff in the cart- leaving out the m&m’s. On our way towards the door I thought about just putting the m&m’s on any shelf on the way out but then I thought that I did not want to waste the money I had spent. Hey, I’m a mother of four and after all $1.06 is $1.06 you know! Yet I knew it was what had to be done so heading toward the door I told my children, “We just made a contribution to Walmart,” and I put the paid for candy on a shelf. Sure they were mad but I felt a peace. They knew they didn’t deserve it.
They soon settled down after we were in the parking lot and even apologized. I told them I forgave them. I wished those people who were staring in the store could see them at that moment. I rationalized that I spent $1.06 for a valuable lesson on appropriate behavior.
But here was the great part. When I got home I looked at the receipt and the candy was on sale- I had paid only 25 cents for it. That may sound silly but I knew that it was God’s way of telling me “good choice, you did a good job.” God knew it was all going to happen. He had the price covered, and he was pleased by my choice to sacrifice what was not important for what was.
And here is the awesome part- as I wrote this I felt the Lord saying, “The way you saw your children at the checkout- that is the way I see you. You are mine. Sure you have bad moments but I have seen you in your best moments. I have seen what others have not. Some have seen you in your worst moments- in a small fragment of time- and have cast their judgments on you. They saw you in a moment of weakness, and considered you worthy of reproof, but they judged you wrongly as they do me. I am slow to anger and quick to forgive. I know your worth and you are precious to me. . I knew you would sin, and I knew what the price of your sins would be, that is exactly why I came. I paid for you with my own blood because I love you. I know your heart and who you truly are. I long to be with you because I created you. I am not shaken when you act your worst. I delight in you in the midst of your struggles because I have already won your victory and I know your future. I will continue forgiving you as you continue seeking me and one day I will see you in all your glory. They may have seen you at your worst for a moment, but I have seen you at your best.
It brings me to tears. I am no better than my children. I have moments when I behave horribly. I’ve made the same ugly mistakes over and over. And though I always am quick to repent and sincere when I ask for forgiveness I’ve questioned, “How could God not be disgusted with me and this behavior by now?”
Recently this has been a mind battle for me- but now I see the Lord wanting to show me the truth. The feelings of guilt that I have felt are Satan’s shackles on my hands. They have kept me from pursuing the very thing I have felt the Lord calling me to do- to start writing and share my stories- for fear of being labeled a hypocrite.
I had questioned, “How can a sinner reach a sinner?” I had doubted, “Does God continue to forgive me though I stumble time and time again?” How foolish of me to even entertain such a thought process. Nice try Satan. I’m going to start writing.
Psalm 73:2, 22-28
2 But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped.
23Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
youhold my right hand.
24Youguide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
27For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
28But for me it is good tobe near God;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works.”
